About the author:
Paul Diamond Blow is a musician, spoken word artist, punk rock star, kung fu master, and part time Space Commander living in Seattle, Washington. Blow is a frequent contributor to the Seattle Sinner magazine and performs regularly in the Pacific Northwest rock club circuit. His book Tales From Outer Space is out now.
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Bands that SUCK
The Absolute Worst, Most Annoying Bands in Rock Music
by Paul Diamond Blow
I don’t usually write “negative” articles, as I don’t want to come off as being a negative creep and I’d much rather write positive articles about people, places and things that I like—but in this case I’ve just got to get this off my chest. There are some truly horrible bands in rock music these days that I hear played constantly on the radio and elsewhere, bands that just plain annoy the holy heck out of me, and I just can’t stand it anymore. It is here in this article that I will let loose and reveal who the worst of these bands are, and hopefully release some demons and clear my mind of the negativity that these bands have afflicted me with. Yes… yes… So, without further ado, here are the worst of the worst, the most horrible and most annoying bands in rock music, according to me, Paul Diamond Blow…
10) Led Zeppelin
I know I’m going to get a lot of flak for this one—I know I will—but I’ve got to be honest: I am not a fan of Led Zeppelin—never have been—and their music has annoyed me for years and years. True, Led Zeppelin consists of some very talented and accomplished musicians, but they also are the most famous of the bloated and excessive bluesy, hippie jam bands of the 1970s: an era famous for ten minute long songs with extended guitar and drum solos and all that nonsense that made rock music boring. Asides from that, what really annoys me about Led Zeppelin—every time I hear them played on the radio—is Robert Plant with his high pitched girlie girl vocals. His girlie girl image with the long, flowing curly hair also greatly disturbs me for some reason. And I swear, if I hear “Stairway to Heaven” one more time I will destroy whatever device it is being played on. I mean, what’s up with the freaking flute? However, I will say that compared to the rest of the bands on this list, Led Zeppelin is actually quite good, but I must include them here at number ten just because they have annoyed me for so long. Okay, bring on the flak—I can take it!
9) Kid Rock
First off, Kid Rock really needs to change his name… he’s not a kid any more and he does not rock! He should change his name to “aging dude who can’t decide if he wants to be a rocker, a rapper, or a pimp.” I’m sorry, but I just cannot stand rock music mixed with rap vocals, and Kid Rock is one of the main offenders here. Sure, he also tries to do the “good old boy Southern rock” thing, but he fails miserably at that too with his generic songs ripped off from his rock heroes Lynyrd Skynyrd and the Allman Brothers. And what’s up with the pimp hats and the midget? Overall, Kid Rock is just plain annoying, and I’d appreciate it very much if he got out of music and went back to hustling crack cocaine in Detroit. ’Nuff said!
Yeah, yeah, I know… the bass player dude for Primus (Les Claypool) can really rip it up with the slap bass, but you know what? Slap bass really annoys the holy beans out of me unless it’s in a straight up funk band. And Primus is not a straight up funk band, they are some kind of weird mix of psychedelic acid music, funk, and alternative metal with some of the most annoying vocals I’ve heard. These guys are just plain weird, man. I think you really need to be on LSD to appreciate their music, and I’m sorry, but I refuse to drop acid just so I can relate. But yeah, that dude can sure slap the heck out of that bass, huh…
7) Limp Bizkit
In my opinion, mixing rap with rock and metal was one of the worst things to ever happen to rock music. I just plain hate it. And Limp Bizkit, although they did not invent the rap/metal fusion that is known as “nü metal,” were one of the pioneers and one of the most famous bands in that ridiculous genre. Plus, not only does Limp Bizkit have one of the stupidest band names ever, they also have one of the stupidest, most annoying front men in Fred Durst. Comon, Fred Durst tries to come off as an agro tough guy with his rapping, but he has a wimpy voice! And what’s up with that red baseball hat he always wears? And what the hell is up with the guitar player who paints himself up like some zombie witch doctor? Give me a freaking break. That, combined with the generic nü metal riffs the band plays, puts Limp Bizkit here on my annoying band list at number seven.
I don’t know where these guys came from, but apparently they are pretty popular with the kids these days and I hear them all the time on the so-called “rock” radio stations. Disturbed play techno-style metal, which is pretty much dime-a-dozen these days, but what really annoys me about the band is the singer who “sings” in a staccato, monotonic, Jamaican rap style that just plain annoys the holy crap out me. I swear, he sings the same way in every Disturbed song I’ve ever heard. Comon, man, mix it up a little bit, please! Thanks to his annoying vocal style and also the generic techno-metal riffs, every Disturbed song sounds exactly the same—annoying, annoying, annoying!
5) Insane Clown Posse
What can you say about Insane Clown Posse? They play rap/metal "music." They dress up in "evil clown" makeup. That's two strikes against them, but the worst thing about about Insane Clown Posse are their fans. ICP fans call themselves "Juggalos," dress up in the same clown makeup as the band, and seem to consist mostly of in-bred white teenagers who grew up trailer parks, wanna be "gangsta," and who have the collective IQ of a limp piece of spaghetti. If by some miracle the earth should open up and swallow the band and it's fans at the next ICP concert, the nation's collective IQ would raise 20 points.
Can you say “hippie drum circle?” That’s what I feel like I’m trapped in every time I hear a Tool song, what with the tribal beats and the slappy bass. Add in a basic electric guitar playing “heavy” riffs and sucky leads and you’ve got an “alternative metal” hippie drum circle. That’s pretty much what the music of Tool sounds like on each and every song. It never changes and all in all sounds extremely one dimensional and boring, not to mention that their songs are way too long. Then there’s singer Maynard James Keenan, one of most annoying vocalists in today’s rock music. Maynard sounds just like Kermit the Frog from Sesame Street. If you’ve ever heard Kermit the Frog sing “It Ain’t Easy Being Green” you know what I’m talking about. Besides singing like gosh dang Kermit the Frog, Maynard’s lyrics are some of the most pretentious, preachy and offensive lyrics I’ve heard. When I hear a Tool song I feel as if Kermit the Frog is telling me I’m a fool because I don’t see things his way, and I’m sorry, but I resent being preached to by gosh danged Kermit the Frog! And that, added with the horrible alternative metal hippie drum circle music, just plain annoys the piss out of me. Served!
3) Rage Against the Machine
By now you should appreciate how much I hate rap/metal bands. They are the scourge of the musical land. Rage Against the Machine is yet another rap/metal band with one twist—they actually try to incorporate funk into their sound, but as far as I am concerned funk and metal do not mix well either. I do love good old school funk, but not when it’s done on distorted guitars. Not to mention that the funk riffs that make up most of Rage Against the Machine’s material are totally generic and downright boring. Then there’s the downright awful “leads” that the guitarist plays… ridiculous! Not to mention that the bass and guitar player wear their instruments way up high, they look like the gosh danged Beatles. Ridiculous! And then there’s the singer Zack de la Rocha… oh, sheesh. Zack tries to come off as a pissed off rapper, all agro and that, but with his annoying, whiny, grating voice he sounds like a dwarf—a pissed off, agro, little dwarf. I’m sorry, but I do not want to hear an angry dwarf screaming at me on the radio every time I turn it on, and they still play this band way too much on the so-called rock radio stations. The angry dwarf vocals, combined with the generic, boring funk/metal music, put good ol’ Rage Against the Machine right here at number three.
2) Insert Death Metal band here
In my own humble opinion, death metal is the worst, most horrible form of “music” that exists today. It’s even more horrible than gangsta rap! There is nothing musical about death metal—it’s basically just metallic riffs played way too fast or way too slow, with the way-too-busy kick drum, the totally annoying Zakk Wylde guitar squeals every five seconds (I blame Zakk Wylde for this), and worst of all—the “cookie monster” vocals that pretty much every single death metal bands use (I blame the Cookie Monster for this). I get it… death metal is supposed to be evil and scary sounding, and the vocals are supposed to sound like Satan himself is the lead vocalist. Yeah, that’s scary, man, but totally annoying. I must admit that listening to a typical death metal song by a typical death metal band can be highly entertaining—it always makes me crack up—but listening to more than one song just plain gets on my nerves, annoys the snot out of me, and puts me in a foul mood. Since all death metal bands pretty much sound the same (horrible), I invite you to insert your own “favorite” death metal band here at number two…
1) System of a Down
Is it just me, or do I just not “get” System of a Down? Is this a joke? Is this serious? Is this a serious joke? I don’t know, but to me System of a Down is the most horrible, most truly annoying band on the face of the planet. Let’s start with the music: System of a Down is yet another alternative metal band with decent enough musicians, but the twist with these guys is that they mix in all sorts of foolishness into their songs. A typical SOAD “song” consists of five or six riffs—maybe one of them that actually rocks a little bit—but they ruin the rocking part with all the nonsensical, non-musical, foolishness parts. And then there’s their “singer” Serj Tankien… oh, sheesh, here we go! Let me put it this way… Serj Tankien thinks he can sing, and he tries to sing (God bless him for it), but his super annoying, off key, super shrill voice just plain sucks and annoys the holy freak out of me. Serj also likes to put some of that nasty screamo into his vocals to stay hip with the kids. Seriously, I cannot relate in words just how horrible Serj Tankien’s vocals really are. I bet he thinks he’s a great singer, and apparently a lot of kids these days agree. Hello? Hello? Am I the only one who cannot stand his ridiculous vocals? And how about the lyrics… “Wake up (wake up) Grandma why don’t you put on a little makeup?” That’s a typical SOAD lyric right there. (Yes, I know that is not the real lyric, but it’s what it sounds like every time I hear the song on the radio.) Ridiculous! All in all, System of a Down is a truly awful, super annoying band, the absolute worst of the worst, even more annoying than all nine of the other bands on my list put together. System of a Down should not be famous, they should not be signed to a record label, nor should they be played constantly on the radio. In a perfect world they would have played a couple of gigs in a dive bar, been booed off the stage, and broke up. ’Nuff said!
There you have it… my “bottom ten” most horrible, most truly annoying bands in rock music. Ahhh, I feel so much better now getting this off my chest and freeing myself—cleansing myself, as it were—of the negativity. This is much better than breaking radios.