How to be a Hipster (In ten easy steps)
So you wanna be a Hipster? Here's how to be one, dude!
by Paul Diamond Blow
1) GROW A RED BEARD
You cannot be a hipster these days without a shaggy red beard. Quit shaving now, and let your beard grow long and ragged. If your beard does not grow in red, dye it red, as all true hipster’s beards are red in color, no matter what color the hair on their head is. LET IT GROW, BABY!
2) DRESS LIKE YOUR GRANDPARENTS
Hipsters wear nothing but the finest of frumpy clothing, like your grandparents wear. You can find such frumpy clothing at any thrift store. Make sure the clothing does not fit you well, and do not make any attempt to wash it.
3) DRINK PBR BEER
Pabst Blue Ribbon beer tastes like crap, but it’s what the hipsters drink, so guzzle that crap down, baby! Personally, I prefer Coors Light, but PBR is usually the cheapest beer at the bars, so I do drink it on occasion. GUZZLE THAT CRAP!
4) LISTEN TO ONLY OBSCURE INDIE BANDS
If a band is played on the radio or is anywhere on the top 100 charts, do not listen to them. Only listen to music played by obscure indie bands that nobody but hipsters have heard of. Usually these bands will feature at least one banjo or fiddle player, and all the band members have — you guessed it — red beards.
5) ONLY BUY MUSIC ON VINYL
True hipsters do not buy CDs or download music from iTunes — they only buy their music on vinyl. Vinyl does not really sound any better than digital music, and you will need an ancient record player to play it (which you can also purchase at the local thrift store), but a true hipster will insist that vinyl sounds “warmer and fuller” and will argue this point to the death.
6) GET SOME CRAPPY TATTOOS
Sure, everybody has a tattoo these days, but hipsters still get them anyway. Do not get anything resembling a tribal tattoo — hipsters hate tribal tattoos. Instead, get tattoos of vinyl records, or of fat burlesque girls. The crappier the tattoo is, the better. Hipsters love crappy tattoos.
7) WEAR PLASTIC FRAMED GLASSES
Go to the local thrift store and buy yourself a pair of black, plastic framed glasses. These will give you extra “nerd” points, which score well with modern day hipsters. If you have perfect vision, take the lenses out of the glasses and just wear the plastic frames.
8) WEAR A FEDORA
The fedora is making a comeback, thanks to the hipsters. Also available at — you guessed it — the thrift stores. The frumpier, the better.
9) GET AN EMO HAIRCUT
You would think that hipsters would want nothing to do with “Emos” as they do not listen to Emo music, but for some reason at least 50% of the hipsters I have seen in Seattle all have an Emo haircut — you know, shoulder length hair parted to one side. Emo haircuts do look good with shaggy, red beards.
10) DRINK MORE PBR
Guzzle that crap some more, baby!
Congratulations... you are now a real, authentic hipster. GUZZLE THAT CRAP!
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