The wit, wisdom, zen, and philosophy of Paul Diamond Blow.


Psychic Predictions for 2017 (courtesy of Psychic to the Stars Paul Diamond Blow)
Psychic Paul Diamond Blow Channels the Spirits of Dead Rock Stars and Predicts Events for 2017

by Paul Diamond Blow







I'm no Nostradamus, but occasionally I do like to don my psychic hat, channel the spirits of dead rock stars, and predict the future. I have made a name for myself as "psychic to the stars" and have given psychic readings to such celebrities as Ozzy Osbourne (I predicted he would look like a bumbling oaf on his reality TV show), David Hasselhof (I predicted his reality TV show would be cancelled due to lack of interest), and even Pamela Anderson (I predicted we would have sex -- but she didn't fall for it). And now, my friends, the time has come for my psychic predictions for the year 2017. (Insert spooky music here...)

To prepare myself for this psychic session I fasted for three days, did 20 push-ups, took a nice, relaxing, hot bath, ate a Flintstones chewable multi-vitamin, and meditated to the latest Kenny G. album. Once I was relaxed enough I went into a trance by repeating the words "MOOOMA MOOOMA" and I channeled the spirit of Elvis Presley. (Yes, he really is dead!) However, the spirit of Elvis was too loaded on pills to communicate clearly, so I quickly unchanneled Elvis and went to my "go to" spirits: Joey Ramone, Keith Moon, Johnny Thunders, and Ace Frehley (even though Ace isn't dead yet) and this is what the spirits tell me will happen in 2017:

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1) Speaking Yiddish will become popular among American teenagers. Bagel sales will soar.

2) Ozzy Osbourne will both shock and delight the world at the 2017 Grammy Awards when he bites the head off Kayne West.

3) As the 2016 election votes continue to be counted (again and again), Hillary Clinton will take a 25 million vote lead over President Donald Trump.

4) As part of his new immigration policy, President Donald Trump will deport over 12,000 undocumented Taco Trucks.

5) President Donald Trump will choose a chimpanzee (Bobo "Studs" McKenzie) to head the United States Fish and Wildlife Service. Bobo's first action will be to build a wall around Federal reserve lands to keep out baboons and other undesirables.

6) Facebook will continue to crack down on "fake news" sites, but fake selfies and fake cute animal pics will run rampant.

7) In the world of fashion, “Where's the Beef?” teeshirts will make a brief comeback after actor George Clooney is photographed wearing one on a Caribbean beach.

8) Hair dressers will have a profitable year as Global Warming causes peoples hair to grow extra fast.

9) As airport security measures increase in the United States, all passengers of TWA will be required to submit to a frisking by actor Erik Estrada.

10) “Smart Phones” will become the size of 32" LED TVs, and will require the use of a hand truck to cart them around.

11) The world's first transgender chimpanzee will use a Starbucks women's bathroom in San Francisco. Other customers will complain about the smell.

12) Michael Jackson's nose will be inducted into the Rock'N'Roll Hall of Fame.

13) As consumer prices continue to rise the price of a gallon of gas will be $4.99, the price of a gallon of milk will be $4.50, the price of a used Moby CD will be twenty-nine cents.

14) Hollywood will officially run out of Marvel comic books to steal from. In 2017, 75% of all movies will be based on old issues of MAD Magazine. There will be no new Star Trek films this year.

15) In the world of music, Vanilla Ice’s brief comeback as a one-man barbershop quartet will fail miserably...

16) Finally, world peace will be achieved on our planet thanks to the efforts of pop star Justin Bieber, who will present each member of the United Nations with his “Bieber's Canadian Pasta Sauce.” The sauce will inspire a new understanding of cultures between world leaders and this world peace will last approximately one hour and twenty-five minutes as the U.N. leaders marvel over the list of ingredients.

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There you have it... my psychic predictions for 2017, and it looks like it will be an interesting year. And remember -- the spirits are never wrong!

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