Free Online Psychic Readings!
Psychic to the Stars Paul Diamond Blow Gives Free Online Psychic Readings, Right Here!
by Paul Diamond Blow
I'm no Nostradomous, but occasionally I do like to don my psychic hat, channel the spirits of dead rock stars, and predict the future. It was I who predicted the change of the decade in 2010, it was I who predicted we would have a new president in 2009, it was I who predicted a man would land on the moon in 1969. (Okay, that one was 30 years late, but the prediction was correct.) I have made a name for myself as "psychic to the stars" and have given psychic readings to such celebrities as Ozzy Osbourne (I predicted he would have his own reality TV show and appear as a bumbling oaf), Cher (I predicted she would have no more hit songs), and even Pamela Anderson (I predicted we would have sex -- but she didn't fall for it). And now, here, for the first time ever, I am providing FREE online psychic readings to anyone who dares have one done. Yes, my psychic readings are guaranteed to come true, or you get your money back. And I challenge any other psychic readers to meet my guarantee. I predict that will not happen!
To prepare myself for this free online psychic session I fasted for three days, did 20 push-ups, took a nice hot bath, ate a multi-vitamin, and meditated to the latest Kenny G. album. Once I was relaxed enough I went into a trance by repeating the words "Bula Mahooty Bula" and I channeled the spirit of Elvis Presley. (Yes, he really is dead!) However, the spirit of Elvis was too loaded on pills to communicate clearly, so I quickly unchanneled Elvis and went to my "go to" spirits: Joey Ramone, Keith Moon, and Ace Frehley (even though Ace isn't dead yet).
Here's how my FREE online psychic readings work here: you -- the online reader in search of a free psychic reading -- pick a number between one and ten. Take that number, multiply it by five, divide it by six, subtract seven, multiply again by two, and then add 1,200,342 to the result. Since most of my readers here are no good at math, you will then FORGET about that number and pick a NEW number from one to thirteen, and then go to the next page for your free psychic reading based on THAT number. You only get one chance here, so choose your number wisely...
Now that you have picked your number from one to thirteen, here are your free online psychic readings, and remember -- the spirits never lie!
WARNING: this is your last chance to turn back!!!
Psychic reading for the number 1:
You will die of food poisoning after eating a bad bologna sandwich prepared for you by your mother-in-law. I don't think it was intentional. I'm sorry about that. But the sandwich will be a tasty one... you can look forward to that. Quit complaining -- you picked the number one, not me!
Psychic reading for the number 2:
Your lucky numbers are 18, 42, 67, 83, and 1,249. Do NOT attempt to play these numbers in any lotto games... you will lose. The numbers are lucky, but only when playing Sudoku. Otherwise, the spirits tell me you will live a long and boring life. Congratulations!
Psychic reading for the number 3:
Rush to the nearest casino RIGHT NOW, go to the roulette table, and put your entire life savings on the number twelve. You will win a fortune... the spirits never lie. If by some chance this prediction turns out to be false, I promise to refund the price of this free online psychic reading. You have my guarantee.
Psychic reading for the number 4:
The spirits tell me you will meet the great love of your life in the next three months, probably on a Tuesday afternoon at a half past 2 PM, at a local supermarket while you are shopping for fresh fruit. The bad news is the great love of your life will have a bizarre sexual fetish. Be careful and hide all the knives...
Psychic reading for the number 5:
You are destined to star in porno movies and suffer from genital warts. Your lucky color is fuschia. Your lucky numbers are 4 and 5. Oh, and I found your car keys -- some bum hanging out at the park has them.
Psychic reading for the number 6:
You have a cat named Fluffy. Your mother's name is Martha. Your favorite color is yellow. You drive a 1989 Honda Civic, a four door. That's the extent of this psychic reading -- me telling you things you already know.
More psychic readings on Page 2