About the author:
Paul Diamond Blow is a musician, spoken word artist, punk rock star, kung fu master, and part time Space Commander living in Seattle, Washington. Blow is a frequent contributor to the Seattle Sinner magazine and performs regularly in the Pacific Northwest rock club circuit. His book Tales From Outer Space is out now.
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Psychic Predictions for 2013 (courtesy of Psychic to the Stars Paul Diamond Blow)
Psychic Paul Diamond Blow Channels the Spirits of Dead Rock Stars and Predicts Events for 2013
by Paul Diamond Blow
I'm no Nostradamus, but occasionally I do like to don my psychic hat, channel the spirits of dead rock stars, and predict the future. I have made a name for myself as "psychic to the stars" and have given psychic readings to such celebrities as Ozzy Osbourne (I predicted he would look like a bumbling oaf on his reality TV show), David Hasselhof (I predicted his reality TV show would be cancelled due to lack of interest), and even Pamela Anderson (I predicted we would have sex -- but she didn't fall for it). And now, my friends, the time has come for my psychic predictions for the year 2013. (Insert spooky music here...)
To prepare myself for this psychic session I fasted for three days, did 20 sit-ups, took a nice, relaxing, hot bath, ate a Flintstones chewable multi-vitamin, and meditated to the latest Kenny G. album. Once I was relaxed enough I went into a trance by repeating the words "Do it, do it, do it" and I channeled the spirit of Elvis Presley. (Yes, he really is dead!) However, the spirit of Elvis was too loaded on pills to communicate clearly, so I quickly unchanneled Elvis and went to my "go to" spirits: Joey Ramone, Keith Moon, Johnny Thunders, and Ace Frehley (even though Ace isn't dead yet) and this is what the spirits tell me will happen in 2013:
1) A new Mayan calendar will be discovered deep in the jungles of South America. This calendar will predict the end of the world will actually happen on a Tuesday... no actual date, just that it will be a Tuesday.
2) Ozzy Osbourne will both shock and delight the world at the 2013 Grammy Awards when he bites the head off Justin Bieber.
3) President Obama will celebrate his re-election by having the White House Rose Garden razed to build a volley ball court. Republicans will be outraged and start a new investigation into claims that Obama was actually born on Mars.
5) As airport security measures increase in the United States, all passengers of TWA will be required to submit to a frisking by actor Erik Estrada.
6) “Smart Phones” will make exciting new technological advances, but sales will plummet as the average American will be too dumb to operate them.
7) All users of Facebook will be required to insert a tracking device in their anus to continue using the popular social networking site. Most users will howl in protest, but will submit in order to continue posting pictures of tacos and cute dogs and cats.
8) As consumer prices continue to rise the price of a gallon of gas will be $4.50, the price of a pack of cigarettes will be $7.00, the price of a used Moby CD will be twenty-nine cents.
9) Hollywood will officially run out of Marvel comic books to steal from. In 2012, 75% of all movies will be based on old issues of MAD Magazine. There will be no new Planet of the Apes films this year.
10) In the world of music, Vanilla Ice’s comeback as a Country singer will fail miserably... again.
11) In the world of fashion, “Where's the Beef?” teeshirts will make a brief comeback after actor George Clooney is photographed wearing one on a Caribbean beach.
12) Finally, world peace will be achieved on our planet thanks to the efforts of rocker Marky Ramone, who will present each member of the United Nations with his “Brooklyn’s Own Pasta Sauce.” The sauce will inspire a new understanding of cultures between world leaders and this world peace will last approximately one hour and twenty-five minutes as the U.N. leaders marvel over the list of ingredients.
There you have it... my psychic predictions for 2013, and it looks like it will be an interesting year. And remember -- the spirits are never wrong!