Top Ten New Year's Resolutions for 2017 and Beyond
Need some New Year's resolutions for the coming year? You can borrow some of mine!
by Paul Ace Diamond "Huggy" Blow
1) Quit smoking
If you are in the 25% of the world's population that still smoke cigarettes, this should be your number one New Year's resolution. I am sure that cigarettes are not the health risk that the doctors and experts claim them to be -- after all, if cigarettes weren't safe, the tobacco companies wouldn't sell them to us, right? Right! However, the price of cigarettes itself is a great reason to quit, as well as the fact that there's nothing healthy about them, so let's make this the year we quit smoking cigarettes! And NO... replacing smoking cigarettes with "vaping" is NOT an option. Vaping is just such douchebaggery... (If you vape, you can replace "smoking" with "vaping")
2) Get in shape, lose weight
Nowadays, everyone and their mother belongs to a gym of some sort, and probably 80% of all women attend yoga classes (or at least, wear yoga pants), so how come so many people are still overweight, out of shape, or just plain lacking muscle tone? I gotta tell you, after the age of 40 it becomes harder and harder to stay in decent shape, so you have been warned. Let's make this the year we hit the gym harder, hit the yoga mats harder, and get in tip top sexy shape. If you can't afford a gym membership or yoga classes, try my trademarked Paul Diamond Blow 20 minute workout... do it!
3) Save money, get finances in order
Let's face facts... ever since the economic meltdown in 2008 (thank you, GW Bush, for that), wages for the average American have been stagnant and it's been harder and harder to save money, let alone earn enough to get by. There are two ways to save money: earn more, and spend less. You can earn more money by working more hours, getting a raise, improving your education and getting a higher paying job, selling blood, or whoring oneself on the street corner. You can spend less by cutting out unnecessary expenses such as gym memberships or yoga classes. Hey, I just clued you into my FREE Paul Diamond Blow 20-minute workout (see #2). Do it for the New Year, just DO IT.
4) Quit drinking so much booze
Quite frankly, a lot of my friends and acquaintances are alcoholics, or drink like alcoholics. Hey, nothing wrong with partying down a bit -- I've been known to do it a bit, myself -- but if you are tired of waking up with hangovers or just plain want to improve your health and lose weight, quitting drinking booze or just cutting down is an excellent way to do so. If you are a drug addict, you can replace "quit drinking so much booze" with "quit being a loser drug addict"... okay, allrighty then, let's go! DO IT.
5) Meet that special someone
If you are one of the millions of lonely souls out there yearning to love and be loved, this New Year's resolution is for you. It's hard to meet that special someone in today's cold, cruel, unfriendly world, and let's face facts: most all of the online dating sites SUCK. However, you can still meet that special someone in the real world by getting out of your isolation and meeting new people at community events, community college classes, local volunteer projects, you get the picture. If you are a guy, join a yoga class and you will be the house stud! If you have trouble "breaking the ice" with conversation, check out my article How to pick up chicks with the Paul Diamond Blow Method (TM)
6) Become a better person
This is an excellent New Year's resolution and can apply to anyone, even to people who already have it made in other departments. After all, there is always room for improvement as far as being a human being goes. Become like Buddha or Jesus Christ and treat others like you would have them treat you.. be good to your brothers and sisters on planet Earth. A simple smile to a stranger, a simple gesture of kindness, petting a dog, helping an old lady cross the street... you get the picture. Be like kung fu master/shaolin priest Caine (from the TV series Kung Fu) and walk the earth barefoot, playing the flute, doing good deeds, and kicking the asses of evil doers.
7) Self publish a book
If you like to write (as I do) you probably have always wanted to write and publish your own book. Nowadays it is easy to do by signing up with Amazon.com's CreateSpace, where you can self publish your own books for cheap and have them available for sale on Amazon.com. I already have several self published books, and this year I plan on publishing my next one: The Paul Diamond Blow Cookbook Vol. 2: 101 Ways To Serve Sweet Yams. You too can be a literary legend! Do it... DO IT FOR THE NEW YEAR.
8) Perform spoken word duet with William Shatner
This is the part of the "Top Ten New Year's Resolutions" list where you are probably saying, "Now you're just getting goofy, Paul Diamond Blow." Seriously, though, I love to perform spoken word live in small dive bars, and the great William Shatner has always been one of my top influences and inspirations. William Shatner's dramatic yet hammy style is the stuff of legend, and it has always been a dream of mine to perform a spoken word duet with the man. Or at least perform a karaoke duet with him. How about it, Bill? Are you reading this? Let's DO IT!
9) Organize white sock collection by date of purchase
This is a legitimate New Year's resolution, and has been on my list of things to do for years. Most of us wear white socks, right? And most of us have our white socks strewn about in a highly unorganized fashion. It has always been my dream to have my white sock collection in a sock drawer neatly organized by date of purchase. What better way to start a new day -- or a new year-- than by going into the sock drawer and having a nice clean pair of white socks ready to put on? Happy New Year!
10) Finally sing Guns N Roses "November Rain" at a karaoke bar and not suck
This too has been on my New Year's resolutions list for years, and quite frankly it is an extremely tough song to sing at karaoke, trying to hit all the high notes that the great Axl Rose hits so well. I believe this will be the year I finally achieve my dream, totally NAIL "November Rain" at the local karaoke bar, get thunderous applause and high fives from the adoring bar patrons, make "November Rain" my signature karaoke song, and achieve world-wide karaoke fame. Who says dreams can't come true??
11) Make the big score at the casino and retire
This is my "bonus" New Year's resolution. Over the past few years I have been fine tuning my casino slot machine techniques and this is the year I hit the big score on a slot machine (winning over a hundred grand, at least) which will allow me to retire from my day job, live in style in a swank casino hotel room, and dedicate the rest of my life to writing new books, performing more spoken word, working out with my 20-minute workout, singing karaoke, organizing my white socks, and overall becoming a better Paul Diamond Blow. You can do this, too, just check out my Paul Diamond Blow's Casino VIP Lounge for all my casino slot machine tips and strategies!
There you have it... the top ten New Year's resolutions for 2017 and beyond. Feel free to borrow these for your own New Year's resolutions list and make this the year your dreams, hopes, ambitions, and goals achieve fruition. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Enjoy this article? Buy Paul Diamond Blow's new book Tales From Outer Space